Social media is a big part of modern life, and it can bring up thorny questions in an adoption. In fact, an honest discussion about social media among the adults involved in the adoption is likely to bring up at least one touchy subject.
Take a quick quiz: do you think the following scenarios are acceptable or not?
- Adoptive parents share pictures of the birth mom carrying their adopted child.
- A birth mom shares pictures of herself carrying the child.
- Any of the adults share pictures of a sonogram.
- A birth mom shares photos of the newborn from the hospital room.
- Adoptive parents share photos of the newborn from the birth mom’s hospital room.
- Any of the adults shares photos of any of the other adults, with or without the baby.
- The birth mom shares pictures of the adopted child which the adoptive parents send to her.
- The adoptive parents share photos of the child.
- Any of the adults shares information like the birth mother’s weight or pregnancy experiences.
- Any of the adults shares information like the baby’s weight or birth experiences.
- Any of the adults shares the name of any of the other people involved.
Many people would cheerfully share any of these things, and many others would be scandalized by all of them. Still others would divide the list — evenly or unevenly — into acceptable and unacceptable items.
As a society, we don’t yet have any social agreements about what is and is not appropriate in social media. We may have strong feelings on the subject, but we would probably have a hard time guessing what another person would think.
Solution: Open Adoption Plans
In open adoptions, there is a formal, written plan containing agreements between the adopted parent(s) and the birth parents(s). A good, clear adoption plan helps everyone avoid disagreements and disappointments in the future. Open adoption plans often include details on how, where, and when the birth mom can have contact with the child and how the adoptive parents will keep the birth mom up to date on the child’s development. You might not have thought about including agreements about social media in your adoption plan, but it’s a good idea.
You can start with our little quiz above. You may quickly see that privacy is more important to one person than to another, or even that your definitions of privacy are different. We’d be inclined to say that decisions on these questions should err on the side of greater privacy. That is, if the birth mom doesn’t want the adoptive parents sharing a post about her swollen ankles, they shouldn’t do it.
You may also find potential opportunities for compromise. For example, a closed family group including both adoptive and birth families may be the perfect place to share everything. You can do this with these simple steps:
- Click Groups on your Facebook page.
- Choose Create Group.
- Name your group something like “Private Family Group” to remind members not to share posts.
- Set your group to Private and Hidden.
- Click Create.
Now you have a space where you can share that sonogram or kindergarten graduation picture with confidence. It wouldn’t hurt to post the rules of the group — such as “Please don’t post anything from this group elsewhere” — in the group information.
Each family, and each person, is likely to have different feelings about these issues. That’s what makes it such a touchy subject. Define the boundaries, get it in writing in your Adoption Plan, and avoid future conflicts.