Arkansas birth moms have many opportunities to make choices about their adoption journeys. Arkansas laws are intended did to empower birth moms. One of the most important decisions is your choice among adoptive families for your baby. When you make the brave choice to place your baby with a loving family ready to care for a new child, your adoption professional will introduce you to individuals and couples who want to adopt. You will be shown family profiles and you can meet the would-be parents if you choose to. But what if none of the families feel right?
What’s wrong?
The first step is to distinguish between actual red flags and unrelated emotions. Families introduced by your licensed adoption professional will already have gone through a Home Study to make sure that they will be able to provide a stable home for your child. You can feel confident that they are upstanding citizens. You might have some unhelpful thought patterns going on:
- Confirmation bias happens when you go into a situation with preconceptions. Your brain can just naturally look for things to confirm the ideas and beliefs you already have. If you’re starting with the idea that nobody will be good enough for your child, for example, you can find yourself latching onto small concerns that you wouldn’t usually even notice. Try to begin with an open mind, just as you want the would-be parents to do.
- Mind reading happens when you jump from something someone says, or even a facial expression, to guesses about what that person is thinking. It’s possible to hear, “We want to assure you that we can support the baby financially” and decide that the person who said it is thinking, “You wouldn’t be able to support your child like me so I am better than you.” That’s not what they said.
- All-or-nothing thinking happens when you have a clear goal — which is good — but it keeps you from seeing other good possibilities. For example, if you have your heart set on seeing your baby in a big family with lots of siblings, you might immediately reject a single parent or a couple who say they don’t want a large family. Being open to alternatives allows you to see other good options.
On the other hand, there may be things that you really feel are non-negotiable. In Arkansas, you are allowed to request a family with the same religious background as your own. If you feel that you can’t accept any adoptive parent for your child unless they share your faith, be up-front about that.
Now what?
If none of the families feel right, you don’t have to choose among them. However, it’s good to be realistic. That decision could mean that you don’t receive the support you would have from a chosen family. It could even mean that you don’t find a family before your baby is born. Give yourself some time to think about this before you make that decision. Consider talking with a counselor about your options.
If you are working with an adoption agency, you could find that a different agency will provide you with different choices. If you’re working with an adoption lawyer, it’s likely that there will be more choices available to you in the future. Keep the lines of communication open and accept the help you need from your support system.
Heimer Law specializes in adoptions, and Justin Heimer is trained in family psychology with a Master of Arts in Counseling. Call or book a free consultation and we will be happy to help.
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