In Dan Gilbert’s book Stumbling on Happiness, he reports that people are terrible at predicting which decisions will make them happy. We try to imagine how we will feel once we make a decisions, and research shows that this method doesn’t work well. We humans just aren’t very good any guessing how we will feel. A better way to predict the outcome, Gilbert says, is to look at how other people have felt after making a given decision. We may think that we are different from other people, but research shows that people tend to be happy with the same decisions that made other people happy. So it’s worth asking: are birth mothers happy with their adoption decisions?
The study
The Adoption Council surveyed both men and women who had chosen adoption for their babies. The vast majority were happy with their decisions. Then survey went deeper, looking for the characteristics that made a difference in levels of satisfaction.
One of the most important factors was when the adoption had taken place. Women who made their decisions in the 1970s or earlier were most likely to have regrets. Those who had made their decisions after 2010 were most satisfied.
Aside from the timing — and probably related — was one other important factor. Those who felt that they had made their decisions freely without being pressured into a decision were happy with their choices.
One more factor turned out to be very important. Birth parents who felt that they had gotten accurate information about their options felt better about their decisions. It is clear that an informed, unpressured decision is key to long-term satisfaction with the choice of adoption.
Complicated feelings
The study found that birth parents were generally satisfied with their decisions, but at the time, there will be more complicated emotions. Pregnancy, childbirth, and the decision to bless another family with a child are all highly emotional experiences. Birth moms can expect to feel uncertainty, loss, and even grief. With support and confidence that she made the right decision, a birth mom can move on to the rest of her life without regret.
Open adoption, which is now the norm for adoptions, helps birth parents avoid some of the difficult emotions they might have experienced in the past. They have the opportunity to know about their child’s life and perhaps have contact. Fears about the child are put to rest by the agreed-upon contact or information.
Heimer Law can help birth parents and helpful adoptive parents craft fully informed open adoption agreements that are most likely to lead to the best possible outcomes for everyone involved. We provide the support you need through the adoption journey.
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