Adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents naturally want to give gifts to the mother or expectant mother who is making the brave and selfless choice to give her child the opportunity to grow up in their home. But when you think about gifts for birth moms, you probably wonder what’s appropriate — and, for that matter, what’s legally allowed. The idea of having laws about gifts can be a strange one, but there are actually quite a few laws of this kind. For example, did you know that a pollster who share results with a congressman before those results are made public is technically giving a campaign gift? In the same way, some gifts you might want to give to a birth mom are not legal.
The law
Let’s start with those surprising laws. First, while adoptive parents are allowed to provide financial support, this can only be done during the pregnancy and while the mother is receiving postpartum care. So you can pay her rent throughout her pregnancy and for a month or two after, but you could not give her an extra year’s rent. Nor could you give her a car to celebrate the finalized adoption.
The financial support is limited to the actual expenses of supporting the mother and baby during that time, and must be fully documented. A gift may be outside of that. Again, it couldn’t be anything that could be interpreted as a payment. That car might come across in that way. Maternity clothes can be part of financial support, but you could also give her a scarf or a book you thought she’d love. Gifts like that don’t need to be itemized in your reports and they aren’t tax deductible. Make sure to keep financial support separate from gifts.
The line can get blurry, because financial support for both mothers must have no strings attached. You can never see it as quid pro quo for relinquishing the baby. To keep it simple, anything you give to the birth mother must be given free and clear with no expectations on your part. Nonetheless, the differences among support, gifts, and payments are extremely important under the law. If you are ever uncertain, ask your adoption lawyer.
Etiquette
Apart from the legal questions, there are also questions of etiquette. If you have a closed adoption, or an open adoption in which the birth mother has set boundaries on contact, she may not welcome even the most well-meaning gift. Some kinds of gifts may be emotionally difficult for her. For example, flowers sent to the hospital may be something you normally do for new moms in your social circle, but it could be a bittersweet experience for the birth mom.
Casual gifts may feel uncomfortable for a mom who is not able to reciprocate, too, however much she may appreciate the financial support you’re providing. Financial support helps her deal with the extra burdens of pregnancy and childbirth, but presents may feel too personal. These kinds of feelings depend on cultural backgrounds, too. If your is different from hers, be aware of the differences.
Talking about these questions during your open adoption plan discussions is a great idea. You’ll know what will be comfortable for her and she’ll know what to expect.
After the adoption is finalized, the birth mom may be open to gifts of photos of the child. This is something to work out in your adoption plan, too. An annual update is a feature of some open adoption plans.
As with so many aspects of the adoption journey, clear communication is a plus. Heimer Law has the experience and credentials to help with these and all aspects of your journey.
Inquiry Form