Explaining to a child that they are adopted can be an exciting moment as well as one filled with anxiety and uncertainty. There are several ways adoptive parents convey the news to the child, some better than others. There is one excellent way to explain to a child that they are adopted, but first let’s discuss a few methods adoptive parents should avoid.
1. An Indirect Conversation
“Great job, Johnny. You really know how to do macaroni art. Speaking of macaroni art…” This isn’t the start you’re looking for, mom and dad. When an adoptive parent indirectly tells their child they are adopted, the situation may be awkward and seems as if the parent is hesitant or somehow ashamed to openly discuss the child’s adoptive roots. Adoptive parents should be forthcoming and ready and willing to answer their child’s questions and concerns about adoption.
Even when your child is small, you can be direct about adoption, using the words that you’ll use when they are older. “We’re so happy we were able to adopt you!” you can say. “We’re so glad your birth mom chose us to be your mom and dad.” Consider reading picture books about adoption to help normalize the concept before they are old enough to ask about it. This kind of from-the-start clarity makes the later conversations easier.
2. The “They will figure it out on their own” plan
Though this may not really be a strategy, but we’ve seen adoptive parents put off the conversation long enough for children to figure out the news by themselves. A child is better served learning about their adoption from the adoptive parents, rather through the child’s own investigation and research.
If you make sure to use words about adoption from the beginning, it will be easier for your kids to ask you questions and easier for you to answer them. In situations like interracial adoption, it is not unusual for kids at school to ask forthright questions like, “How come your mom isn’t black? Are you adopted?”
It’s best to make sure that your child is able to answer confidently, “Yes, my parents adopted me when I was a baby.” These questions shouldn’t come as a surprise for your child.
3. Using movies about adoption to break the news to a child
The option to use cinema choices such as Annie or Despicable Me may seem like a tempting segue into the topic, but an open and honest conversation with your child is a better avenue. Do not let a film be the springboard when telling your child about their adoption.
Books like the ones we mentioned above can be a better choice, since they are often designed to support these conversations, but we don’t recommend waiting till kids are old enough to read before you bring it up. Instead, let adoption be a normal topic and part of your child’s identity, just as you naturally talk about mommy and daddy and baby.
A better way
Now that we’ve considered a few poor methods of conveying the news to your adopted child, we’ll describe an excellent method we at Heimer Law recommend.
Sit down and have an open and honest conversation with the adopted child. Explain to the child they were specifically chosen by the adoptive parents; they are wanted and loved just as if they were a biological child to the adoptive parents. Allow the child to think over the news, and then be open to questions and concerns the child may ask. Repeat the love you have for the child again and again. Convey to the child how celebrated their inclusion to the family is. After all, adoption is a wonderful opportunity and should never be spoken of in a shameful or evasive manner.
For questions about adoptions in Arkansas, contact Justin Heimer at Heimer Law.
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