Some adoptive parents are open to adopting any child. Some are hoping for a child of a particular ethnic background, just as some are hoping for a girl or a boy or a child of a certain age. Birth mothers, too, may feel strongly about the families where they place their babies. Arkansas law allows moms to request an adoptive family of the same religious beliefs as theirs. Moms may also prefer families that match their baby in terms of race. If you’re hoping to adopt, you might have thought about these questions for yourself — but have you thought about your community?
Is your community diverse?
If you are a couple open to interracial adoption, you may not have thought about this factor. But will your child be the only black child at the local school, the only white child in your church, or the only Hispanic child in town? If so, how will you make sure that your child is comfortable with that situation?
Hint: that’s not a comfortable situation for most kids.
If your community is not diverse and your family will be, you need to be prepared to provide diversity in other ways, whether it’s traveling to another community for some of your social events or making efforts to involve your child in experiences connected with their ethnic background.
You also need to be prepared to talk about these issues and the feelings they bring up. Denying discomfort or pretending that differences don’t matter will probably not be a longtime solution.
Is your extended family on board?
You might be openminded and ready to celebrate your child’s heritage, but does that hold true throughout your family? If grandparents have stereotypes about people of your child’s ethnic background, that could influence their choices around your child.
Unlike possible stereotyping in your community, you can probably talk frankly with your family. But it makes sense to have those heart-to-heart talks ahead of time and make sure that your family relationships aren’t harmed — and that your children aren’t harmed either.
Are you ready to talk about issues with your kids?
Kids are generally aware of racial differences by about age four, and they may ask questions without any awareness of what your community thinks of as polite ways to talk about these issues. Some children may repeat hurtful things they have heard adults say, while others may have innocent but curious questions, like “Why are you white but your mom is black?”
Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, a white man who has adopted black children, makes the point that “the reality is this is not a colorblind society.” Asian children or Hispanic children or Middle Eastern children will have some different experiences from one another and from black or white children. parents from a different ethnic background need to be prepared to address these issues in their adopted children’s lives.
Every adoption journey is different. Heimer Law specializes in adoption, so we have the breadth and depth of experience to support you through yours.
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