Most adoptions nowadays are open adoptions, in which the birth mother maintains some level of contact with the child. An open adoption plan can range from sending a photo to the birth mom on the child’s birthday each year to welcoming her into your family gatherings. Every plan is individual, an arrangement worked out to suit the needs and wishes of both the adoptive parents and the birth parents. Can an open adoption include extended families?
What are extended families?
Nuclear families inclde the parents and their dopted or biological children. Extended families include all the other people you think of as part of your family: grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, courtesy aunts and uncles, great-grandparents, in-laws…Each family is different and your decisions about extended family reflect those differences.
We often invite our extended families to holiday and birthday celebrations, take vacations with them, or go on outings together. Some families join up with parts of their extended family for a meal after church or help take care of each other’s animals. Cousins often go to camp together, hand down their outgrown clothes, and share projects or hobbies.
Will the birth mom be part of your extended family?
We’ve seen cases in which the birth mom is welcomed into the adoptive family and treated like an aunt or sister. Whether she’s known to the child as “Bio-mom,” “First Mom,” “Mommy [Name]” or just her first name, she can fit into the group just as close family friends often do.
If this is your plan, you may want to talk with the adoptive parents’ family ahead of time. Just as in some families, single people bring their dates along to family events without prior discussion, some families don’t want or need conversations ahead of time. But some families will feel awkward and confused if they don’t get a chance to think about it and ask questions first. At the very least, bring it up when you have preminary conversations about adoption.
What about the birth mom’s extended family?
When you discuss your open adoption plan, be sure to talk about biological grandparents, siblings, and other relatives. The birth mom may not have a close relationships with all her relatives and there may be some whom she wouldn’t want to have in contact with the child. There may also be some who will be heartbroken if they are completely cut off from someone they think of as their family.
Those two groups of people can even overlap.
One thing to remember is that doption ends the legal relationship between the adopted child and the biological family. The birth mom no longer has a child, and her parents no longer have a grandchild. The adoptive parents can set the boundaries they feel a need to set. This is the law.
If the birth mom is estranged from her parents, or has other children and doesn’t want them to know about her other child, the adoptive parents can respect her wishes, especially if it is part of the open adoption agreement, but things can change. A high school student might want to get to know his long-lost brother, and his adoptive parents might want to make it possible. Be aware of this kind of possibility when working out the agreement.
A lot to think about
Every adoption journey includes highs, lows, and a lot of decisions you might never even have considered before. Soul-searching helps, but it also helps to talk with an expert. Heimer Law is a family law firm that specializes in adoption. Most family law firms do an occasional adoption along with lots of divorces, but we have the experience to help you with the unexpected twists and turns along the way. Contact us for a free consultation. Call (479) 225.9725 or use our simple form.
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