Often an adopted child will be the first child in a family. The parents may have tried and failed to conceive, they may have philosophical or practical reasons for making adoption their preferred way to establish their family, or circumstances may bring to them a child in need of a home. But about 21% of private adoption and up to 40% of adoptions from foster care involve an adopted child joining a family with children already in the home. If this is your situation, preparing your children for their new adopted sibling is probably on your mind.
In an ideal world, your kids would be excited to have a new sister or brother and everything would go smoothly. In real life, children often have mixed feelings about a new baby in the house. It might be even more of a challenge if the new sibling is older than the kids who are already at home. Before you assume that everything will be peachy, consider how you would feel if your spouse brought home a new adult to live in your home. Or think about how your dog reacted to a second dog in the house. We’re only human, and so are your kids. The natural first response to a new adopted sibling may not be what you’d like to see.
Here are some tips that can make things go more smoothly.
Talk about it early
You may hesitate to bring up the new sibling until you’re completely sure you’ll have a new family member, but talk about the new child as soon as you feel you can. Explain that you have this chance to grow your family through love, and make it clear that the new child will be a full and permanent member of the family.
Use positive language. You can say that the child’s first parents want him or her to have a safe and happy home with your family, rather than focusing on the difficulties that might have caused the child to be available for adoption. Choosing positive language will make it easier for your children to accept the new child as a sibling.
Give enough information
Decide how much information you are able to share. You might be able to tell your kids how old their new sibling is, what town he or she came from, or any special needs you know about. Helping kids get a clear mental image of the new family member can reduce anxiety.
Talk about where the new sibling will sleep, where they’ll go to school if they are old enough to do so, and any other plans that may affect your family. If the adopted child is coming from a foster home or another situation different from your home, it can help to talk with your children about how different the new sibling’s experiences might be. They might feel shy or insecure, or have difference patterns of communication. If the new sibling will be a newborn, toddlers may need to be told that the baby won’t be able to play much or to talk at first.
This is a great time to read children’s books about adoption. These books help to clarify the process and build excitement.
Involve your children
Can your kids help paint the new brother or sister’s room? Help shop for a new teddy bear or bed? Make welcoming cards? Include them as much as possible in the preparations. If they will be expected to help out more once the new addition to the family arrives, they can start now to do age-appropriate chores. Explain that they will be a big brother or sister (if the adopted child is younger) and what an important job that is.
At the same time, try to keep your kids’ routines as consistent as you can. A new child in the house will always result in some upheaval, but sticking with the usual pattern of life can help children feel secure.
Let all the children know they’re precious
It is normal for kids to greet a new sibling with excitement — and also with jealousy or uncertainty. It’s essential to show your love to all the children. Try for some one-on-one time with each child.
Heimer Law is an Arkansas law firm specializing in adoption. We want to help you all through your adoption journey.
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