You’ve decided to grow your family through adoption, and this is the year you’ll finally get started! Now you share the exciting news with friends and family, and they’re all equally excited and totally supportive! …Well, maybe not. The sad truth is that sometimes the initial reaction to your news is not as positive as you would hope. Talking about adoption with friends and family can be challenging, but it’s worth doing.
Here are some suggestions for successfully navigating this part of your adoption journey.
Don’t borrow trouble
Have you heard your sister-in-law say things about adoption in the past? One advice columnist wrote about a mom who said, “I don’t think I could love an adopted child the way I love my own” and lived to regret it. If you’ve experienced this, don’t assume that your sister-in-law will react negatively to your adoption plans.
Often, people will make a snap judgement about something which is an abstract topic for them. Think about all the teens you’ve heard saying they’ll never get married, never have children, never have a regular job, never…you name it. When life brings them new experiences and opportunities, they often change their minds so fast it’s like they never had those previous thoughts before.
Start the conversation with a positive tone and positive expectations, and see where it goes.
Stay curious
It’s also wise to approach the conversation with a mindset of interest and curiosity. If you’re bringing your friends and family great news and waiting for them to be happy for you, you may feel hurt or even betrayed when you hear pushback. But if you start with your happy news and keep your mind open to their thoughts, the discussion can feel quite different.
If your dad is shocked, find out why.
If your BFF asks why you don’t want a child of your own, find out where she got the idea that adopted children aren’t their parents’ own children.
If your brother says he’s heard that adopted kids have a lot of problems, find out what experiences have given him that idea.
Remember, you’ve been thinking about this, reading about it, and talking about adoption for some time. It’s a new idea to the people you love. If they’re immediately happy for you, that’s great. If they’re concerned, though, that may also be an expression of love.
Share information
This is your decision, and it’s not negotiable. Still, announcing that you’ve made up your mind and you don’t want to hear anything they have to say is probably not going to lead to the happy outcome you want.
Instead, be ready to educate your friends and family.
Once you understand their concerns, you can share knowledge that will address those concerns. For example, the uncle who says you won’t know what you’re getting when you adopt a baby might not have considered the fact that you also don’t know what you’;re getting when you have a biological child. Two biological parents each contribute a fairly random selection of their DNA, which is itself a fairly random collection of thousands of years’ of ancestors’ DNA. No child comes with a guarantee.
Providing this kind of informati0n may not make an immediate change in the minds of people who are worrying about your decision, but it is likely to plant seeds that will develop over time.
Keep at it
If your adoption journey last just a few days, it will feel like a whirlwind for your friends and family as well as for you. That’s not how it usually goes, though. The path between deciding to adopt and bringing home the child is usually a lot longer than that. Continue talking about adoption with your loved ones throughout that time, being respectful o their views and educating them about adoption as you go along.
When your child joins the family, chances are good that everyone will welcome the new family member. If you’ve navigated the conversations along the way, you’ll have a good chance of maintaining a good relationship with your family and friends, too.