There was a time when adoption was handled with secrecy. Fortunately, those days are over. Most adopted children know that they were chosen by their adoptive parents, and they usually know from the beginning. Telling your child that she was adopted can be as simple as reading a book about adoption to your infant before he can speak and continuing to read it together over the years. The idea of a formal sit down announcement on the child’s 18th birthday is mostly a thing of the past. Yet telling your adopted child about their birth family can still be challenging.
When to tell your child about their birth family
For some families, this too is a natural process. In an open adoption, the birth mom and the child maintain contact of some kind, so the child will know the birth mom from an early age even if adopted as a newborn.
In families where there is little contact, the question might come up in nursery school, when the child is first given the assignment of creating a family tree to turn in to the teacher. In elementary school, there are assignments to report on family heritage or to tell a story about grandparents. Some children have questions without any assignments prompting them.
In closed adoptions, there may be a legal or personal agreement with the birth parents not to disclose specific information until the child is 18. But without that kind of requirement, there is no need to wait. Studies show that kids are more likely to feel distress when they get the information later in life.
What to tell your child
The overwhelming consensus among adoption professionals and child development specialists is that openness and honesty—including the details of a birth mother’s struggles—is the healthiest approach for an adopted child’s identity. If the birth mom struggled with substance abuse or faced mental health problems, this is information that is not only about the past. It is important family medical history your child will need to be able to share with doctors.
Whatever the circumstances, your adopted child’s parents made a brave and loving choice to allow them to join your family, and you can express admiration of them.
However, you may not have answers to all the questions your child asks. Even if it’s just that school assignment, you may not know about your child’s biological grandparents or the ethnic heritage of the family.
First, recognize that plenty of families don’t have that kind of information. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, about 20% of Americans leave the question of heritage blank. Some may not want to answer, but many probably don’t know. And you’ve probably heard funny stories about people who thought their first American immigrant came from Italy…but then had their DNA analyzed and discovered that their heritage looked Brazilian. Many of the kids in a given class will not know where their grandparents came from, and those who think they know may be mistaken. The longer their families have lived in the United States, the less likely they are to have that information. Your child will not be alone if you can’t provide all that information.
Check out ways to show your adopted child’s family tree:
Share the information you have.
Are you just beginning your adoption journey? Heimer Law specializes in Arkansas adoptions. We can help.
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