It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Thanksgiving, with its feasting and family closeness, then Christmas with faith and fun for all ages, followed by the New Year with its sense of new beginnings. And yet, 89% of Americans, according to the American Psychological Association, find the holidays stressful. The holidays before the adoption might not be an exception.
Whether you’re an expectant mom with a great adoption plan or would-be adoptive parents somewhere along your adoption journey, the holidays are likely to be emotional for you. Nearly one third of Americans are worried about family dynamics, and this can be a big issue for everyone involved in an adoption. Whether you’re excited about announcing your plans to the whole family or dreading Aunt Persephone’s questions about why you’re “giving up on having your own child,” the adoption journey can add an extra layer of stress to family gatherings.
Prepare
Here’s what you don’t want to have happen:
You: “Everyone, we’re so excited to announce that we’ve decided to adopt and have met a wonderful expectant mom!”
Aunt Persephone: “But why are you giving up on having your own child?”
If you think some family members will have negative reactions to the news, make time to talk with them beforehand. Often, thoughtless words are just that — thoughtless. A little advance warning and education ahead of time can make all the difference.
But if you encounter truly negative attitudes and can’t come to an agreement, it’s okay to ask the relative not to bring the subject up at the holiday celebration. “I understand what you’re saying and I’ll be happy to discuss it with you,” you might say, “but let’s not bring it up at Thanksgiving.”
Or, if necessary, “We appreciate your concern, but we’ve made our decision. I hope you’ll be able to support us at the family gatherings this year.”
Plan
Whether you’re sharing your news for the first time or seeing relatives you haven’t seen in a while, you can expect lots of questions. Prepare simple, straightforward answers. Take a leaf from people getting ready for a press conference: decide on your talking points, come up with a clear statement, and memorize a sentence or two.
This may sound like overkill, but it can keep you from that deer-in-headlights feeling if you’re peppered with questions and concerns. Here are some starting points:
- “We’ve thought about this carefully, and adoption is the right path for our family.”
- “We understand adoption can raise questions, but we’re working closely with experts to make sure we’re ready for everything involved.”
- “It’s okay if this is new to you—adoption can be complex, but we’re learning a lot and we’d be happy to share what we can.”
- “When the time comes, we hope everyone will welcome our child with the same love you’ve shown us.”
- “Adoption is an act of love on all sides—we feel grateful to be part of it.”
Sentences like these can work as responses to everything from surprise to anger without escalating a discussion into an argument.
Practice
Sit down with your partner, a close friend, or a supportive member of your extended family, and practice saying your planned sentences. Role play helps you feel more confident. Knowing what you’re going to say first keeps you from getting upset or defensive. Having a prepped family member ready to support you can be extremely helpful.
Practice can also help you feel more confident of your position. When someone close to you expresses concern about your decisions, it can make you feel uncertain or angry. Knowing what kinds of issues might come up and having calm, factual answers to questions can make it easier for you to hear what your loved ones say without losing your peace of mind.
Practice can also clue you in if you’re just not ready for possibly difficult conversations right now. If you can tell that you’re going to burst into tears the first time your cousin says, “But you don’t know anything about those people!” you can plan for a limited visit and an early exit.
You can also practice saying, “I’m just not ready to talk about this right now.” Then offer that intrusive relative another cookie and move on to another topic.