We’ve often said that the adoption process can be an emotional roller coaster. There are so many positive emotions, including excitement, hope, and love. But there are also negative emotions to live through. One of those may be the feeling that you are being judged. It happens often, but none of us really enjoy feeling judged. What’s the solution?
Sometimes this sense of being judged comes from friends, family, or complete strangers. That can be a tough experience. Often it is based on misconceptions about adoption, and you will need to talk it through if the people involved are important to you. More information and sincere sharing can make a difference.
But what if you’re feeling judged by adoption professionals?
Sometimes it comes with the territory
When you have a home study, which is required in Arkansas, you are talking with a licensed social worker who has a very specific job: to make sure that you can provide a stable home for a child. This job literally requires judgement. The social worker must look at your background checks, your financial records, and your answers to questions and make a judgement about your fitness to have children.
That’s not required for biological children, but adoptive parents are held to a higher standard.
You may also see a judge, whose whole job it is to judge people. In the case of an adoption, the judge must determine whether your adoption plea is in the best interest of the child or children you want to adopt. That’s pretty judgmental.
These people are not being unkind or cruelly judgmental. They’re just doing their jobs.
Sometimes it’s just a feeling
That social worker, as well as the other adoption professionals you meet, has to ask you personal questions and probe into things you might not be comfortable with. They have to make judgements. But that doesn’t mean they’re judging you in the sense that someone might draw conclusions about you from your hair style on social media.
The trouble is that you might get the same feelings from both those experiences. Try reframing it by reminding yourself of some facts:
- Your adoption professionals are on your side. Their job is to make sure the adoption is in the child’s best interest, but they are rooting for you to be the stable, loving family they want to find for that child.
- There’s a difference between personal judgy attitudes about small things and serious professional judgements on important issues. For example, if your doctor tells you that you need to reduce your salt intake because your blood pressure is getting high, you probably don’t feel the same as if somebody in the break room says, “Wow! You sure love salt, don’t you?” Keep that difference in mind.
- The judgements being made are based on laws, checklists, and official standards, not on personal feelings. If you find yourself mind reading — thinking, for example, “I bet he thinks we’re too indulgent with our dogs and won’t recommend us” when the adoption professional hasn’t said anything of the kind — try to ignore that input and stick with what you actually see and hear.
What if it’s a real problem?
Are you sure that you’re feeling judged because your adoption professional is being personally judgy? In that case, you may want to talk with a different adoption professional. The agency, adoption attorney, social worker, and counselor should all be there to help and support you. if you don’t think that’s happening, you can change who you’re working with.
Justin Heimer of Heimer Law has a degree in Family Counseling as well as a D.J. and licensure in the state of Arkansas. You’ll find Heimer Law both professional and compassionate. Contact us today to discuss your adoption journey.
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