Kinship adoption, or relative adoption, is in some ways easier than other kinds of adoption. When you adopt your grandchild, niece or nephew, godchild, or younger sibling, you are probably adopting a child you already know and love. About one third of kids adopted from foster care are adopted by a relative, and research suggests that outcomes are generally very positive. Often, the circumstances leading to the adoption may be traumatic; the child’s birth parents may have been unsuccessful in providing a safe and stable home, or may have died. The children may have experienced trauma, but may also be relieved to be with family members whom they know. They may be able to stay together with siblings and to keep their birth names, or the adoption might just make the situation they’ve already living in legal and secure. But there’s one nagging question that is bound to come up: what kinship terms will you use?
Kinship terms
Kinship terms are words like “mother,” “father, “brother,” and “cousin.” They also include words like “sissy,” “buddy,” “papa,” and “cuz.” Different families use different terms. All these words describe the kinship relationship between and among the people who use them. It’s simple when you use them in a biological family to describe the biological kinship. It’s also simple when you use them in an adoptive family to describe the legal relationship. In a kinship adoption, though, it can seem more complicated.
If you adopt your granddaughter, should she call you “Dad”?
The legal question
If you adopt your granddaughter, you become her legal father, just as if you adopted a child who was previously unknown to you. In making healthcare and school decisions, you’re her legal parent.
But there are no legal rules about what your family’s kinship terms may be. Many families have complicated conversations about what to call the grandfathers in the family. Maybe one is used to “Papi” and the other always called his “Gramps.” Perhaps one of the grandfathers picks out a unique handle for himself, saying, “I’m not old enough to be a grampa!” If you ask twelve families, you might come up with more than twelve different terms.
Many families also need to sort out what to call in-laws. Your spouse’s parents might love to have you call them “Mom” and “Dad,” while your parents are on strictly first-name terms with your spouse. Your decision-making can be just like these common situations.
So the legal relationship may have changed, but the kinship terms don’t have to. If you adopt your granddaughter, she can still call you “Granddad” if you both like it that way.
Family dynamics
If you adopt a nephew or a cousin, you might want to make it clear that they are the same to you as the children (whether biological or adopted) who are already in your home. In that case, having all the children call you “Mommy” and “Daddy” can make sense.
In previous generations, it might happen that the child of a teenage mother might be brought up as the sibling of her birth mom, calling her grandparents “Mama” and “Papa.” Unfortunately — and especially when the arrangement was never legally completed as an adoption — these children often found out the truth at some point and took it hard. Nowadays, we no longer think of adoption as something that should be hidden.
It makes sense to talk with the child and discuss the options. Some families choose to call the former grandmother/ now legal mother a hybrid name like “Big Mama” or “Meemaw”– both terms for “grandmother” in some communities — to show the special relationship.
Communication
If the child is old enough to have opinions, discuss the question and take those opinions into account. Your young relative may already have special family names for a lot of the members of the extended family, and might want to stick with them. Or it might be exciting to choose new names to honor the new relationships.
While you’re at it, involve other family members as well. Other children in the family might have been wishing for a little brother and feel delighted to call the new family member “buddy.” On the other hand, extended family members might need some time to get used to the idea. Discussing the alternatives ahead of time may work out better than springing it on them during the next holiday gathering.