Every adoption journey includes ups and downs, wonderful moments and challenging moments, delightful surprises and dismaying ones. But what about adoption revocation? When a birth mom has a change of heart, she can revoke her consent to the adoption during the revocation period. In Arkansas, that’s 10 days after signing the consent papers.
The revocation period is an important safeguard for women who consider adoption but change their minds. Such an important decision must be made whole-heartedly. For the prospective adoptive parents, though, this kind of disrupted adoption can feel like a bereavement.
Accept grief
If you can be happy for the new mom and her baby, good for you. But you do not need to feel guilty about being devastated. You may have spent months waiting eagerly for the baby’s arrival and stayed with the expectant mom through labor and delivery. You have a nursery waiting at home and a name picked out. You’ve told your friends and family and maybe have children at home feeling excited about their new baby brother or sister.
There’s nothing wrong with recognizing that you now feel grief.
This may be a good time to talk with an adoption-aware counselor. It’s certainly a good time to reach out to your support network. You might need help with meals, a little time off from work, prayers, or just someone to talk to. You can’t hurry your feelings. Allow yourself to grieve and readjust before you expect yourself to move on.
Don’t accept blame
While taking time to feel sad and disappointed makes sense, looking for what you did wrong — or for someone else to blame — isn’t beneficial. Feeling angry with the mom, yourself, your partner…these are counterproductive feelings that can slow down the healing you need.
Feel your feelings but remember that feelings are fleeting.
If this stage of your reaction to the disappointment shows you that you might choose to do something differently going forward, it can be useful. But a revocation is usually not a case in which someone did something wrong, made a mistake, or should do something different next time. It’s a rare event that can happen regardless of your actions or intentions.
Take care of yourself
An outcome like this is not tragic, but it is sad and stressful for the prospective adoptive parents. Be sure to take care of yourselves. Eat wholesome food, get some exercise, sleep and rest.
It’s easy to forget or to overlook these things, but they will make a big difference to how you feel and how quickly you can move on.
When you’re ready…
Chances are good that by the time another match is ready for you, you will also be ready for another match. If you’re not ready, you can pass on the opportunity. But remember, revocations are rare, and this situation is usually a delay, not an end to the adoption journey.
Heimer Law specializes in adoption and will support you throughout your adoption journey.
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