Adopting a newborn typically involves meeting an expectant mom and arranging to adopt her baby once it is born. You may get to know the mom, provide financial support for her, and prepare your home for your new child. Usually, everything goes well and you complete the long journey toward adoption by welcoming your new family member and growing your family. But sometimes something else happens. When adoptions fail, it can be heartbreaking.
Why adoptions fail
There are many different reasons that an adoption might not be finalized. Maybe the birth mother changes her mind and decides to keep the baby. Maybe she loses the pregnancy before the baby is born. Maybe she failed to inform the birth father and he comes into the picture late in the process to contest the adoption. In every case when adoptions fail, no matter what the reason might be, the adoptive parents will experience grief, just as parents do in the case of a miscarriage or stillbirth.
This is natural. Even in the most positive cases — if an expectant mom has fortunate changes in her life during her pregnancy and joyfully decides to bring up the baby herself, for example — a failed adoption is a loss of a child for the adoptive parents.
It starts with grief
Grief is an appropriate and natural reaction to the disappointment of a failed adoption. You may need some time to grieve before you return to the adoption process, or you may find that your grief encourages you to try again for a successful match. People react to these situations differently, and there is no right or wrong way to experience the disappointment and shock that comes with such a significant change of plans.
For couples who are trying to adopt, this can mean that you don’t respond in the same way to the same situation. Try to give one another some grace — and yourself, too.
Don’t lose hope
The majority of private newborn adoptions work out as planned, especially when all the people involved receive the support and counseling they need. But sometimes adoptions fail. Many adoptive parents go through the sorrow of a failed match and end up with a successful adoption. It can be hard to believe that things will work out, but experience shows that a failed match is not the end.
Take one step at a time
Some days can be difficult. Focusing on why things didn’t work out might be a necessary part of your personal grieving process, bur when you are ready to take the next step, it can be helpful to focus on that next step rather than on the whys and what ifs that may come to mind.
Accept help
At Heimer Law, we have the training and experience to provide support even during difficult times. You may have other resources, including your family, your friends, counselors, support groups, or your worship community. Let people support you when you need their support.