Supply and demand is one of the key factors in many aspects of life, from the cost of gas to how long college grads have to look for their first jobs. The law of supply and demand decrees that an expectant mom considering adoption or a birth mom seeking an adoptive family for her baby will usually have more than one family to choose from. In Arkansas, birth moms have the right to choose the family for their children. So what if the birth mom doesn’t choose you?
It’s not you
If the birth mom doesn’t choose you, it’s going to feel like a rejection. Especially if you were on her short list and met her. If you were eliminated because of her initial criteria or she saw your profile and passed over it, you probably will never know. But women considering adoption for their babies often meet more than one prospective adoptive parent. It’s natural to feel rejected if that happens.
But it really isn’t you. A scientific survey of choices birth parents made among potential adoptive parents shows that it’s hardly ever dislike of a would-be adoptive parents — or anything else you have immediate control of.
The main issues
The most important issue, according to the biological parents in the survey, is how open the adoption will be. That means they needed to match the amount of contact they wanted with the amount the prospective adoptive family wanted.
If she wants a closed adoption with complete anonymity, a birth mom will not want to match with a family that wants information about the biological parents. On the other hand, an expectant parent who wants to be able to visit the child won’t choose a family that wants the child to have no direct contact.
Social and religious preferences were another major factor in decision-making for birth parents. A mom who feels strongly that her child should be raised in a particular religious tradition or that she would like to choose a family of a similar background to her own may let that be the main factor in her decision.
Number three on the list was the number of children in the family already. Some biological parents may have wanted the child to have siblings and some may have wanted to avoid that; we just know that this is an important concern.
For each of these three points, about half the respondents in the survey named that point as the most important. If another family is a better match on these issues, that family will probably be chosen.
Next time?
It’s natural, if you feel like you’ve been rejected, to think about how you could do things differently next time you meet a possible match. But notice that the most important issues aren’t about you personally, or about what you said or did. There was no right answer in any of these cases. They’re all about being a match. You can’t really set out to want the same things as the expectant mom you’re about to meet.
You may want to make sure that your profile gives answers to all those questions — but, just as in a job interview, it depends who else is available. You may be a pretty good match, but another family is even closer to the mom’s ideal.
The other answers — both mentioned by smaller numbers of birth parents — were the age and race of the prospective adoptive parents. You can’t actually do anything about either of those factors. They aren’t relevant to thoughts about next time.
The best plan is to be your authentic self so the expectant mom or birth parent can get as realistic an idea as possible of what the child’s life might be like with you. This is the top concern they reported regarding the process of choosing a family.
Heimer Law is an Arkansas family law firm specializing in adoption. We’ll be with you throughout your adoption journey.
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